by Don Norman Obinna
AS you are about to read this column, thank God wholeheartedly if you are among those
he has delivered from boarding public buses. The menace associated with this act, to say the least is exasperating. Apart from the driver’s/conductor’s nuisance which you have no choice but to tolerate, you also have these obnoxious and guileful brown envelop carrying preachers to contend with.
Apparently, religion has become the opium of the people simply because of the government dereliction of its statutory obligations. The more people are impoverished, the more they become impressionable to all sorts of messages in the name of the gospel. The more unemployment accelerates the more young men and women resorts to self-serving preaching as a means of survival.
It is so loathsome to say the least that this is done without considerations for the passengers’ susceptibilities. Beside the badly spoken English language mostly used by some of them to convey the message and saliva often poured on passengers sitting close-by, the content of their messages are oftentimes contradictory to the real gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
My experience inside these public buses these past few weeks my car broke down upon my return from Abia state because of bad roads is not palatable at all but, at least I found this particular one very interesting to share with you on this column. The day was Friday last week and the weather also was not too convivial. I hurriedly boarded a bus heading to Ikeja from Obalende, to at least avoid being drenched by the rain which at that point had already started drizzling. Sitting beside me was a young man wearing a faded but well ironed suit probably in his 40’s. As the bus was about to move, this young man stood up and greeted everyone in the bus. His mission was to preach the gospel which according to him, he has been doing for the past 20 years.
As he was about to commence preaching, he ordered the men putting on caps to put them off, while the women he commanded to cover their heads as a sign of respect to the presence of God which he boasted was already overflowing in the bus. I was totally dismayed by the alacrity with which almost everybody in the bus complied with this command. After the praying bout and indecipherable tongue speaking, the shout of “Halleluiah” rented the entire bus as he commanded passengers to wave their problems away by waving unto the Lord.
Trust Nigerians, the compliance was very tremendous. Buoyed by this, he commandingly introduced himself as a prophet of God sent to deliver people, especially passengers from bondage and accident causing demons. He indirectly derided the passengers as people of little faith and challenged God to physically manifest his power in this bus if indeed he is God’s servant. His preaching to those willing to listen was on the powers and the manipulations of evil forces and marine spirits.
As we got to the middle of Third Mainland Bridge, he stopped the preaching abruptly and started mumbling. Quietly but with a strong voice he said, “I perceived the presence of the queen of the Coast in this bus”. Gullibly some shouted, “The blood of Jesus”. At this point, the prophet violently began to bind and loose and subsequently demanded that all eyes should be closed. Suddenly there was this horrific scream which interrupted the prayer and forced every eyes opened.
Behold, it emanated from a beautiful, fair in complexion and smartly dressed lady sitting at the rear seat of the LT 35 bus. With her eyes ablaze with contrived anger and contorted face, she pointed at the so called man of God and declared, “This is my territory and how dare you think you can stop me? You dare not disparage my kingdom henceforth, understand! She yelled at the prophet. In fact, you must be extremely discernable to understand that this was a contrived plot ingeniously executed by two guile fellows just to extort gullible and unsuspecting passengers in the name of God.
At this point, there was an uneasy calm inside the bus; passengers were already jittery, especially those sitting at the rear seat with the so called queen of the coast. Expectedly the prophet replied in a commanding tune “shut up you blood sucking demon from the marine world. I come against you in the name of our Lord Jesus”. With her eyes fixed on the preacher, the lady laughed scornfully and wanted to utter some words, but the so called prophet cuts in. “I seal your mouth with heavenly super glue. And by the power vested upon me as the oracle of Jehovah the most high God, I put you into temporary sleep in the mighty name of Jesus” he commanded. But trust Nigerians, almost everybody was too nervous to chorus Amen, at least not in the middle of the lagoon. It will be like insulting someone right in her compound. “God of Elijah, Fireeeeeeeeeee,” He thundered. Lifting his hands above his shoulders he continued, Jehovah! No be you bi the snake wey dey swallow snake? The burning fire, oya! Gbooosshhaa!
After putting up a little resistance, the mighty queen of the coast staggered a bit and suddenly fell into sleep as commanded by the prophet. Much to the relief of the passengers, especially those at the rear seat who kept shouting, “Thank you Jesus”. Buoyed by the ingenuousness of the passengers the prophet continued, “The Lord did not lead me into this bus accidentally. I am here to save your souls from this blood sucking demon from hell”. Pointing at the queen of the coast, he continued. Her plan was to cause a fatal accident and subsequently remit blood to her insatiable kingdom, but the Lord has a counter plan.” Praise the Lord” he thundered in heavily Edo accent. But people responded pragmatically.
In fact, the passengers’ subservience to this prophet was so nauseating to say the least. The fact that almost everyone acted as if they were under spell made me quiver with anger. I shook my head in disbelief; does this mean that Nigerians go to church in vain? I mumbled to myself rhetorically. At least the bible is replete with compendious information about God and his modus operandi. No wonder the bible says “my people perished because of lack of knowledge”. I concluded frustratingly.
After some abracadabra and fake spiritual demonstrations, the prophet cleared his throat and began to prophesy, this time in outdated English language reminiscent of the King James Version. “There is a man in this bus, who loves everything and anything in skirt. Repent ye son of man for the anger of God is come upon ye and your end shall be worst than your beginning”. He warned repeatedly. With his eyes firmly closed and arms fidgety he continued, “There is a young lady in this bus whose plan is to spend this weekend with a man who is not her husband. Thou shall try it not as ye may not be alive to tell the story”. But before he could conclude the statement; the gullible had shouted, “It is not my portion in Jesus name”.
My frustration grew further at this point; how can people be so dumb? Of course a man having so many bed partners or a lady planning to spend weekend in a man’s house on a Friday are commonly acceptable social activities in Lagos; albeit religious people who will argue on the contrary. So it is expected that a bus carrying approximately 23 passengers will have all manner of people on board. I was so disappointed that people could not figure out that this man was psychologically manipulating them in the name of God.
As I sat still pondering the matter with my eyes fixed on the so called prophet, he sneaked a surreptitious glance at me. Absolutely noticing my slightly protruded stomach, he continued. “Thank you Jesus. Oh! There is a young man here with a pot-belly, hummmmm! How long shall thou continue to i
mbibe alcohol? I see death coming like a whirled wind. But thank God your deliverance has come. It shall not be your portion, in the mighty name of Jesus” he shouted. The chorus of Amen like a thunder rented the bus once again to my sheer trepidation.
At this point I was indignant and was almost stirred to protest, but quickly subjected my temperament under control. Apparently aware of my disposition, the so called prophet threw a light-hearted banter just to placate me and also ameliorate the almost tensed atmosphere in the bus.
Noticing that he was running out of time, he hurriedly asked everyone to bow down their heads for prayer. After the prayer, he afterward brought out a large quantity of brown envelops and cajoled passengers to give cheerfully to the Lord of harvest who is seeking for that faithful person to bless abundantly according to his riches in Christ Jesus.
Absolutely astonished by the passengers’ response, he tactically admonished them on the power of seed. And thereafter challenge them to try God with their seeds. He mentioned all kinds of seed and their ripple effects and encouraged the passengers not to miss this wonderful opportunity with the Lord for a last minute miracle. Of course the acquiescence was amazing. Smiling, he asked everybody to lift their hands up for benediction.
As he shouted in the name of Jesus, behold there was a heavy sneeze; alas, the queen of the coast is back to consciousness again staring at everyone to the consternation of the passengers. As he turned his attention towards her, he amorously asked, “Are you ready for your salvation now”? Humbly the queen of the coast nodded in affirmative. “Are you ready to abjure marine spirit and accept Jesus as your Lord and saviour”? The prophet asked, this time more intimately. Yes, she replied covering her face with her palm.” Do you desire a total deliverance from the marine world”? He asked yet again, encouraging her to speak up. Crying, she replied “yes”. “In that case you will follow me to my church immediately” he ordered the lady.
At this point, the prophet leapt for joy and ordered everybody to put their hands together for the Lord. As this was going on, he beckoned the queen of the coast to rise onto her feet and follow him. He gleefully thanked everybody in the bus for granting him audience. And the next thing we heard was, “driver owa oooO! 7up mo ti fe bole. I could not help but laugh uncontrollably as the queen of the coast hurriedly alighted from the bus with her man. Did I hear someone say ‘a perfect drama filled with contrivances of plot?’ Lagos na waa!